Thoughts of a geek

1 May 2009

Things

Filed under: Me — Tags: , , , , — qwandor @ 9:58 pm

So there is (or was, I have missed it because I am too slow at writing) a meme going around Facebook called ’25 things’, where people write 25 things about themselves in a note, and then abuse the tagging system to tag 25 friends who are then supposed to do the same thing. Some people’s things were inane, some interesting, and some quite revealing. Anyway, I am following suit, in case anybody cares to read. Except, I am not writing 25 things, because there seems no good reason for such arbitrary targets.

Comments are welcome of course (appreciated, even). Though maybe it is best to comment in person.

The following things have been written over a period of a few months (I started writing this in January 2009), so my apologies that it is a bit disjointed, and that some points overlap others. My moods have varied a bit over that time too, as happens. Anyway, the things written below were how I thought or felt at some point in the past, and may or may not still be true.

I sometimes (often) avoid talking to people, especially in large groups and when I am tired and stressed, because I find it hard, quite an effort. That does not mean that I do not want to talk to people though; on the contrary I really enjoy a good conversation. If I am non-communicative and you can be bothered I can generally be made to talk. And I will probably appreciate it. Unless I am really trying to do something.

I have two Rubik’s cubes on my desk. And an IBM penguin, with a removable head. Also a rubber band, a peg, a CD, some pens, glue, a few pads, two webcams, a lightbulb (screw fitting), some iron sand in a breadbag (from Wanganui beach, I think), a magnetic strip card reader, a soundcard preamp (with only one channel working), an oscilloscope probe, a bluetooth GPS receiver, various pieces of paper, two clip-leads, my old motherboard and processor (which I should throw out soon, unless anyone wants them), a couple of receipts, and a few other bits and pieces.

If I keep offering to help you, it is probably because I want to spend time with you. Sometimes I get disappointed that my offers to help are not taken up, especially if for no apparent reason. But I guess this is silly.

I want to share more, sometimes. But there are few people I trust enough to talk about things sensitive and important to me, and fewer still with whom I have the opportunity. Perhaps (often) none.

I like talking (listening) to people about things they are passionate about, care about.

I find writing hard, mostly. Sometimes (occasionally) worthwhile. More often necessary.

I am often lonely. Maybe not desperately so, but to some extent. Large groups of people tend to emphasise / amplify this. I guess it is the contrast.

I prefer one-on-one conversations. Maybe 3 people if all are fully involved and engaged. When I am in a happy mood (maybe not quite the best description? A certain sort of mood anyway) I can cope with and even enjoy larger group conversations, but I easily get lost or only participate on a shallow level or sporadically. I tend not to feel really part of the group. Often I find it difficult to hear what everybody is saying, especially if there is background noise or several concurrent conversations. Often I find it difficult to keep up. Sometimes with all this I just give up. When I am tired or not in the mood for it I give up a lot more easily. Large group conversations tend often to be more shallow anyway; mostly joking rather than serious conversation (not that joking is bad, by any means — I certainly like to joke and laugh).

I am not much good at expressing myself at the best of times. When I am unhappy or in a bad mood I tend to be worse.

I have changed a lot in the last two years (or so).

I like hugs, mostly.

I have much difficulty sleeping. This has got worse over the past year. It is partly my own fault, but not entirely. It is 2:30 am as I write this. I went to bed just after midnight. I should get up at 8:00 am but probably will not. Again. (Reading back over this, I do now have to get up earlier to get to work, and so I do get to bed a bit earlier, but I find sleeping hard.)

I really need to buy a new (desktop) computer. I have been planning to do so for over a year now. It is getting more and more of a pain. (Now, as I post this, I have already done so some weeks ago.)

I do not like repeating myself. Read my blog, and Twitter and so on, then talk to me. But please do talk to me! I do really want to talk to people more. Certain people in particular, but most other people too.

I prefer to avoid all mind-altering chemicals. Even ethanol and caffeine. Theobromine is about as far as I go. Not that I have a problem with other people drinking coffee (although I cannot stand the taste), or drinking alcohol in moderation. I think that getting drunk is stupid though, and likewise smoking pot or taking any other drugs. I think it is sad how many people in New Zealand think that alcohol is necessary to have fun, at a party or whatever. My avoidance of alcohol is partly (though not solely) in protest at this.

I often envy people their relationships.

I am not good at / tend not to ask for help. Part of the problem us that when I most need / would want help of one sort of another I tend to be stressed, upset, depressed or otherwise unhappy, and when in such a mood I find it even harder than usual to talk to people. So I tend to hope that someone will ask, and they tend not to (though there are certainly exceptions), and in the occasions that they do I have a bad tendency to push them away.

I type Dvorak.

I like music. Lots of music, both recorded and (sometimes) live. But I am not musical myself.

I do not like missing out on things. If something fun happens and I do not hear about it beforehand, or am not invited, or cannot come, I tend to be disappointed.

I often wonder what other people think of me, in particular what they perceive as my flaws. So do tell me what I am doing wrong; perhaps that way I can improve.

Sometimes, I wish that people would want to come and see me, just to visit, have company, chat, hang out, whatever. Not because they want me to fix their computer, or give them something. Not because I organised something, or because of someone else, or because they need somewhere to crash for the night. Not out of obligation, even. Just because they want to see me, because they might even possibly enjoy my company, and are willing to make an effort for it. Because they feel like it.
Not that any of those other reasons are bad, nor will I reject them. I am willing to help people, to give them stuff that I have sometimes (that is part of the reason that I collect potentially useful things, so do ask), to organise events sometimes.
But really, it would be nice just to talk, to keep company, to scheme and plan and make and joke and build and laugh and create and share and enjoy.

I have a bit of a tendency to play devil’s advocate. Sometimes, if you take a position on something I think not clear-cut or on which I have no strong opinion I will take the opposite position just to see what you will argue, to draw out the conversation. I think that it can be a helpful technique to explore an idea. I may well come out agreeing with you.

That is all for now.

Advertisements

9 Comments »

  1. My boyfriend has a problem with asking for help. He’s too prideful.
    and YES to playing devil’s advocate. I do it all the time. I think it’s entertaining, though sometimes I do have a problem with carrying it out too far.

    Comment by xenophilicx — 1 May 2009 @ 10:12 pm

    • Yeah, I can relate to a lot of that ay man. That’s why I like pulling instruments/DVDs/music/other entertainment out often, is cause it’s easier than talking often.

      I also find I want to share more sometimes, though that’s probably partly due to the people I want to talk to about things being different to the people who actually offer to listen, don’t know whether you can relate to that? So that’s partly my fault I guess. I also find it hard to express myself, maybe cause when I do try, either I screw it up, or people get the wrong end of the stick. I’ve also changed a lot in two years (though not enough) and like hugs, though should initiate them more often. I also don’t really like the flavour of ethanol and caffeine much. And I type dvorak.

      In fact I pretty much can empathise with all the rest of that, except devil’s advocate, if I disagree with people it’s because I genuinely do, though I’m open to changing my mind.

      I don’t know about you but I find I open up to people who open up to me.

      That’s why some people might consider it rude that I just read your blog and then wrote lots about myself even though the blog’s actually about you. But I find that when people are open, it inspires a similar kind of openness in me. I learn a lot about myself that way, and how similar I am to others, even though I may feel different and alone sometimes.

      So yeah. You are welcome at 2kp any time.

      Comment by tommo39 — 2 May 2009 @ 12:02 am

      • You made quite a few points there, so I will respond to them individually.

        > I like pulling instruments/DVDs/music/other entertainment out often, is cause it’s easier than talking often.
        Hmm. I certainly like music, and find that it can stimulate discussion sometimes. Watching stuff, DVDs or otherwise, I am less keen on as it tends to be a fairly separate thing. At least in my experience. Though it is still fine sometimes, of course.

        > people I want to talk to about things being different to the people who actually offer to listen, don’t know whether you can relate to that?
        Yes, fairly often, more or less as you describe.

        > I also don’t really like the flavour of ethanol and caffeine much. And I type dvorak.
        Excellent. (-:

        > except devil’s advocate, if I disagree with people it’s because I genuinely do, though I’m open to changing my mind.
        I guess my thing about this is mostly trying to see both sides of the argument. Often people seem to have an opinion without really having considered why they hold it, or it is not at all clear which side is in the right. So I think it is helpful to argue things through a bit to get a better understanding and perspective.

        > I don’t know about you but I find I open up to people who open up to me.
        Yeah, I guess, to some extent. People are so changeable though. Fickle, perhaps?

        > That’s why some people might consider it rude that I just read your blog and then wrote lots about myself even though the blog’s actually about you.
        Not at all. Comments are much appreciated, and it is helpful to see connections. Thankyou.

        Comment by qwandor — 2 May 2009 @ 12:24 am

  2. I can’t see an RSS feed for this blog. Is there one? I would like to subscribe 🙂

    Comment by Gael — 4 May 2009 @ 9:53 am

  3. Cheers for that. It works fine, I just couldn’t see a link to it (my own blindness, probably).

    Comment by Gael — 10 May 2009 @ 4:24 pm

    • I do not think there is a visible link, but your browser should pick it up as it is linked in the header. Firefox for example displays a feed icon in the location bar, as does Safari; Konqueror shows it in the status bar.

      Comment by qwandor — 10 May 2009 @ 4:41 pm

  4. *hugs*

    I love you both, Josh and Andrew 🙂 and obviously I don’t hug either of you enough. Although Josh is in fact, wrong. I think he does play devil’s advocate on occasion, mainly when he’s joking or extremely tired. But it happens.

    I don’t type Dvorak and it disorients me. Josh’s computer is in Dvorak and when I use it I get hugely disoriented.

    When you say ‘I prefer one-on-one conversations… I tend not to feel really part of the group. Often I find it difficult to hear what everybody is saying, especially if there is background noise or several concurrent conversations. Often I find it difficult to keep up.’- you’re not alone, by any means :P. Group conversations can be difficult and overwhelming to anyone, depending on your mood, because people tend to have less time to spend on an individual basis so it can make you feel lonelier (which is why I hug people so often, because it’s such an individual thing and I can legitimately claim a little bit of affection in the middle of someone’s conversation without interrupting them). I know exactly what you mean by the ‘hear what everybody is saying’- if you’re listening for everyone at the same time, and you’re feeling isolated, it’s hellish. I usually find that it’s better to just drift and catch small conversations going on, and then move again. Move from conversation to conversation as it were, and spend time with people who love you so you feel less alone (like in big group minglings at 2kp, I usually go back and forth between Mel and Kirsten and PM, or if Josh is playing music, I’ll be sitting there and singing because it gives me something to do. Big groups are made up of lots of small groups, after all). As for keeping up, don’t try :P. Just jump into the moment wherever you are. If you lose the thread, ask, or make something up, or move to another conversation :P.

    In general, with regards to non one-on-one groups, it’s just that it’s easier to be friendly and it’s less awkward, because you’ll always have someone to pick up the conversation or bounce things off. It’s less intense, and more casual and laid-back, and particularly for girl-and-guy situations, it’s really less of a difficulty. Like, really. I get into the whole oh-wait-you-meant-what? situation far too often for my liking and it’s just better to avoid it in general.

    I’d say more but it’s five in the morning and I need some sleep. But as for ‘sometimes, I wish that people would want to come and see me, just to visit, have company, chat, hang out, whatever’- just wait and see :). I think I’ll organise something.

    Comment by Me. — 29 May 2009 @ 5:29 am

    • > ‘drift and catch small conversations going on, and then move again’
      Yeah, it can be frustrating though. Never really being part of any conversation, just standing outside listening in.

      > ‘with regards to non one-on-one groups, it’s just that it’s easier to be friendly and it’s less awkward, because you’ll always have someone to pick up the conversation or bounce things off. It’s less intense, and more casual and laid-back’
      Hmm. I tend to find pretty much the opposite, at least for people with whom I am comfortable. It is easier talking to just one person because there is less to worry about, and less distraction. You have someone to talk to the whole time, rather than having to find someone who is not busy talking to other people, or wait until they are finished and perhaps be disappointed. And surely is is less intense, more laid-back if you only have one person to worry about rather than a whole lot? Though I guess it does depend on to whom you are talking.

      But thanks for commenting, I really appreciate it. It is certainly nice to know that sometimes people read what I have written.

      Comment by qwandor — 29 May 2009 @ 8:05 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: